Deus Ex Quotes

These are quotes made by the developers at Ion Storm during the production of Deus Ex.  These quotes can be accessed in Deus Ex by entering the cheat code “legend” after enabling cheats.  You can also view this as an image as it appears in-game.

Deus Ex Quotes – “I guess you had to be there”

Chris: I had to get up early… once.

Albert: When I say ‘sh*t’ it doesn’t always mean something’s wrong.

Warren: I’m sorry I created this bad machine. (*cough*) (*cough*)

Warren: Poof! I am God.

Steve: You would think that playing D&D all night with a guy who smells like salami would make you hungry, but it doesn’t.

Dave: There comes a level of nerdiness when you can discern the difference between mouse pad surfaces. I have not yet reached that level.

Anon: Hey. Is there something wrong? Would you like a bite?

Steve: Singing while you work seems like one of those dwarf things that never really caught on with us big people.

Steve: Screw precision mousing surfaces, we have precise mousers.

Michael: Why did you try to pick that guy up?
Dave: I thought he was a little boy.

Steve: The only problem with an online community is that there are people in it.

Warren: In #4, add half-naked workers to the asset list.

Harvey: Hey Monte, do you read much?
Monte: What? Books?

Rob: (daily report, 7/29/98) Hugh and I got the GM_Tshirt_shorts, GM_Tshirt_Pants, and GM_PoloPants into the Unreal engine. Made minor modifications to the Hit_Back animation cycle for GM and applied changes to all the variations. Updated Sarah_Mead. And I boned a naked chick in my office while Jeff watched.

Marsh: Hey, go shoot something in the head and see what it looks like.

Chris: Hey, look! He sh*ts shells!

Scott: How come I’m always the one on top?!

Steve: Women just don’t seem to be as funny as men.
Harvey: Men have to be funny to score.
Steve: Well, I think you’re pretty funny.
Monte: Uh-oh, you guys have me worried.
Steve: Why? You’re not funny.

Chris: Dead guys don’t float but they will, eventually.

Warren: If we get a bunch of rats and pigeons in the appropriate places, people will sh*t.

Harvey: The Statue of Liberty does not look like the Statue of Liberty without that giant f*cking green statue on top.

Monte: This missile is pissing me off.

Dan: I like nuts, just not in food.

Steve: If you put a rubber-ball-gag in a dog’s mouth and screw it, you ARE that weird.

Jay: I endorse anything that is cheap…

Scott: What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Alzheimer’s.

Marshall: I like to be a mage.

Monte: (talking to Clay about Harvey) If he’s not hairy enough for you just rub some Rogaine on his back.

Steve: (in a funk) Fish is supposed to be brain food man. That’s bullsh*t.
Harvey: Fish is, but I don’t think queso is.

Dan: Women are very high poly count.

Dan: Cool! I smell like naked people.

Chris: If he gets really puffy, can we poke him?

Dan: From far enough away, everyone is cute.

Tim to Albert: You’ve found an interesting way to break the script compiler.

Chris: You are f*cking up my automated process.

Warren: Wait a minute — this is a dialogue rather than a flame. Cool.

Monte: Movers suck.

Albert: I’m not afraid of your paper balls!

Harvey: (watching Marshall try to cut a very hard ice cream cake) Wow, Marsh, that took all of your geek muscle!

Warren to Dan: All I have to do is cock this once, and your ass is MINE.

Warren to Dan: I have to get upstairs real quick and get this hair off my pie.

Christian: I’m going to shoot this right in his butt.

Albert: Wash one little boobie, wash two little boobies…

Leesa: Everywhere I turned, it was Marshall in the rear!

Warren: Did you say something about the boss’s banana?

Harvey: Executives who don’t give out Christmas bonuses should sleep lightly.

Leesa: (trying to say ‘turn out the lights’ in GeekSpeak) Make the lights default!

Russ: Symmetry is overrated.

Steve: (raking furiously in his desktop Zen Garden) I’m raking but it’s not working.
Harvey: It’s either the Zen Garden or the Glock.
Monte: Sand is flying everywhere.

Monte: I could have just thrown my mobility-assistance monkey into that drunk guy’s car and screamed, ASSMONKEY KILL!

Harvey: Man, this shirt is hot.
Monte: Well, just take it off.
Harvey: What? And have you spring on me from behind with a bottle of Rogaine?

Warren to Dan: When we ship, THEN you’ll be allowed to touch my stuff.

Monte: Raz me in the booty.

Chris: Don’t let an artist tell you that it doesn’t matter.

Dan: Warren has a great rack!

Harvey: Oh man, women do not like being called hippos!

Clay: Man, Monte, your work has gotten a lot better.
Monte: It’s the Ex-lax.

Warren to Dan: This Big Boy’s got your name on it.

Stan: It’s like a pimple they can’t reach around to pop.

Rob: People. Shoot ’em, kill ’em!

Chuck to Dan: May I borrow your wallet so that I may go pee?

Harvey: F*ck that! F*ck being agonized by Mr. Spock!

Katie the waitress at Artz Rib House: You guys order like a bunch of girls! (referring to the high maintenance orders of Russ, Steve, Harvey, Warren, Dan and Monte)

Peter to Michael: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in pants before.

Warren: …and then I took him home.

Monte: I’m not that homophobic… I hang out with all of you, don’t I?

Harvey: It’s like swimming in a giant, boiling urinal.

Warren: I got something hard.

Rob: That damn suit skirt babe – her ass kept poop-poop-pooping out the back of her skirt.

Monte: I don’t want nudists, I want lingerieists.

Harvey: I’ve been here so long, I can’t even take pleasure in web porn anymore.

Warren: Demi Moore sounds like a frog.

Warren: Pull that out again and walk around.

Scott: I need to get a vibrator.

Harvey: Didn’t I tell you that yesterday was a day of great sex?
Monte: Yeah, but how does that help us?
Monte: (after pondering a moment) I guess it does help us because you aren’t being such a bitch.

Harvey: That goat looked up and said ‘Holy sh*t’!

Warren: Well, this is a paradigmatic problem!
Everyone else in the room laughs hard.
Warren: What? That’s a word! It is!

Harvey: Killing people… not a problem.

Warren: We don’t want to educate people unnecessarily.

Jay: So, which hooker did you use?

Chris: Once again, here’s my standard disclaimer for those who have forgotten it: All art/effects/sounds in the game may or may not be final. All art/effects/sounds in the game will be cleaned up and polished during a tweak/polish pass to be started at a much later date.

Bob: Death definitely improves one’s frame rate.

Chris: Now I want to go home and play with my joystick.

Monte: How come the spiderbot still… oh f*ck… oh sh*t… ahhhh.

Monte: (playing System Shock 2, struggling) Gosh dang bees in this game are f*cking gay.

Chris: Shut up! Just talk!

Monte: Clay and I can’t play Quake on the internet servers anymore. It just ends up being all about who can backstab the most feebs in the shortest amount of time.

Scott to Peter: You have a very big package.

Monte: Hear that? That’s the sound of the inside of Ricky Williams’s colon…

Chris: When you want to do it, I’ll show you how to do it.

Chris: Math is so cool. Hooray for math!

Harvey: So pure north is always east?
Chris: It’s not east, it’s zero!

Tim Sweeney to Albert: This sounds like the kind of mistake I would make! If we were physicists, we’d discover the grand unification of physics, but get the sign wrong. : )

Monte: I just wanted the biggest shaft in the game.

Warren: Chad wants you.
Chris: He’ll have to wait about five minutes.
Warren: You’ll have to beat him off.

Monte to Harvey: Read your email before you start bitching.

Harvey: The player is like a girl in a bar…
Doug Church: Yeah, she wants to believe the lies.

Ricardo: Just because a chick has a knife in her purse does not mean that she has a dick…

Monte: You want me to rub your ribs with my… chicken?

Harvey: Look, Monte “Three Dumps A Day” Martinez is heading for the bathroom.
Monte: Yes, and once I’m there I’m going to create a special pokemon just for you.

Ricardo: Monte, what should the start-up text for my sub mission be?
Monte: Forgive me for this game-play?

Peter: There is some Tupperware in the fridge that has stuff in it older than the Tupperware. If it is still there tomorrow, it is going to Tupperware hell.

Monte: (who spent the entire prior day working on a single forklift in UnrealEd) Hey, I reworked Area51…
Ricardo: Yeah, now you kill the bad guy with a forklift.

Bob: (with enthusiasm) Ooh! I want that military guy!

Unknown: World domination is eminent.

Warren: (writing up a bug) Bots that aren’t actively engaged in some kind of activity look pretty lifeless.

Scott to Albert: If you give me my balls back, I’ll give you your rubber.

Chad to Monte: You are going to get a boob-job for your Real Doll?

Scott: You can gib a child with one stroke of the nanosword!
Chris: That’s because children have fewer hit points. They are inferior and weak.

Steve: I have a good sense of humor, I just don’t laugh a lot.

Chris: There isn’t much in the AI revision list except for the really critical stuff.

Peter: When you drink the booze the screen goes all funny. This is dumb. Can’t you just make JC less coordinated or something. Sh*t if that happened to me after drinking a f*cking beer… I’d have aids by now.

Warren to Albert: You can tweak them in the nipples, but no butt grabbing.

Albert: Get the f*ck out of me!

Steve: Setting the AI reactions for a giant spiderbot is pretty easy… hate, hate, hate, hate.

Warren to Albert: I give you magazines to read, don’t give me sh*t.

Harvey: Hitting my G-Spot is not all that hard. It’s this big purple knob out in front of me.

Steve: Saying ‘I was here until 4: 30 in the morning’ is the nerd equivalent of the purple heart.

Steve: I got my leg blown off yesterday and I really didn’t notice anything different.

Warren: (describing a bug in Daikatana) Mikiko runs off down the hall, and you have to use her a random number of times before she’ll come to.

Warren: …and now my wife wants me to dress that way all the time.

Harvey: It’s a good thing that I’M the one deciding whether it’s time to lick balls or not.

Warren: You don’t have to stand here and watch, I’ll keep beating on it.

Austin to Chris Todd: You’re really putting the grimness into this game.

Chris: Come on, vibrate, damn you!

Andy: Hey Warren, I would actually buy this game now…

Andy: The karkians look like big potatos with legs, potato dogs!

Albert: (referring to Warren) He’s pacing around like a pregnant father.

“Paranoia means having all the facts.” — William S. Burroughs

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